Me Myself And I

Recently, I have been feeling many foreign, yet positive feelings. One of these foreign yet positive emotions happens to be comfort- I feel comfortable with myself. Since I have been home, I have spent the majority of my time alone. While I have spent time with my mom and my friends, when it comes down to it, everyone has their own, separate lives to live. In the past, I found myself feeling great sadness because I felt as if all my friends had a life that I was not a part of. Although I do still feel that the lives my friends are living are independent from the life I live, I am no longer judging that. It is what it is. And when it comes down to it, everyone is doing exactly what they are meant to be doing- living their OWN life. What is surprising me most about all of this is that I have not been crawling out of my skin, trying to escape myself. I have been able to sit with my feelings of boredom and loneliness and allow myself to feel them, riding the wave until they have passed. Oddly enough, I have been enjoying my own company and I am not sure I have ever been able to say that before.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I have accepted that I am the only person who can live my life and I am the only person who is responsible for my happiness. That being said, if I want to be happy, I sure as hell better do something to make myself happy. I can choose to dwell on feeling lonely or I can choose to self-structure and develop my own life, befriending myself in the process. The second option is much more appealing to me. There is something I find intriguing about the whole "being your own best friend" concept. Don't get me wrong- I love all of my friends and am beyond grateful for everything they have done for me (which just so happens to be a lot). And, at the same time, I don't want to sit on the side lines anymore. I am alive and therefore have a responsibility to do something with the life I was given, regardless of if I am with people or on my own.

I am becoming my own person. There has always been only one of me, and at the same time, I had no idea who me was. I am still discovering myself; I assume the journey of self-discovery is lifelong. However, the ambivalence I had about myself, that was constantly shouting in my ear, has now become an occasional whisper.

I found an "about me" blurb I had written sometime ago. One sentence I wrote in this blurb was: "There are only two things I am certain of- the colors orange&pink and Curious George." Although this may be a fairly recent change, I am certain of so much more than my favorite colors and my love for Curious George.

I am certain I have choices.
I am certain of my wants and my needs.
I am certain of my morals and beliefs.
Most importantly, what it comes down to is, I am certain of me.

I never thought I'd see the day I embraced myself in it's entirety. I also never tried. Sabrina Ward Harrison says "Belong to yourself." As of right now, I could not agree more with that statement.