The Storm Is Over Now

Oh hey. Look. Yet another blog. Are you surprised? Somehow, I am not. Why another blog, you ask? Partially because it provides me an outlet that allows me to share my thoughts and feelings with others and partially because quite frankly, I enjoy the whole process of creating a blog. I thrive on buying journals b/c I absolutely adore the different styles and designs. However, there is something about seeing my writing on a pretty background instead of just a plain piece of paper in a journal that intrigues me. As much as I just love a hand-written journal, there is something about typing that makes writing that. much. easier. So, while I already have several different themed hand-written journals, I am going to go right ahead and add on a blog.

I am not going to select a theme for this blog and I am not going to commit to writing in it a certain number of times. Although I have learned that structure and guidelines tend to be positive and beneficial to me, I have also learned that everything and everyone in my life (myself included) does not need to always follow such strict, rigid "rules". Perhaps this blog will be one of many challenges for myself in the sense that I will contribute as I please, writing what comes to mind at the time I choose to write. I decide what I want to write in this blog, and at the same time, that does not mean I have to set initial instructions for this blog that I need to follow. I have done this in the past and have just set myself up for failure.

So, here I am, six months later, writing in a blog. In the past, I probably would have used this entry to talk about how I am going to do this, that, and the other thing to improve myself. While I do have plans to continue mending myself, these days, I'd much rather actually do the mending instead of just discussing it. One thing I've learned is the importance of taking action- not just talking about taking action- actually doing the action, actually making the changes. I have to say, taking action is definitely one of the better decisions I have made.

What else have I learned these past 6 months? Maybe something about me having choices. I may not be able to control what other people do and I may not be able to control what happens in my environment. I can, however, control my reaction. I can control my reaction to EVERYTHING that happens in my life. Now, that is an awesome kind of power. I. have. choices. I choose how I feel and I choose how I am going to react to my feelings. I choose my thoughts- I choose the way I perceive myself, others, and each and every situation I encounter. I spent so much of my life searching for ways to gain control of my life, when in actuality, I had it inside of me the entire time.

I have come to understand that I am not perfect and neither are the people in my life. That being said, I have come to tolerate disappointments and step far enough outside myself to recognize that just because someone disappointed me does not mean they intended to. People make mistakes and the mistake that a person made does not declare them "bad". I have learned to sit with the feeling of being hurt, let down, and disappointed... and then continue forward. More importantly, I learned that when I make a mistake, when I act ineffectively, I am not destined to be this miserable, terrible human being who "fails" at life. If I fall down, I can make the choice to stand right back up. I do not have to return to rock bottom each and every time I don't handle a situation as effectively as I could. I do, however, have to recognize what I did that was ineffective, understand why I didn't cope effectively, and carry that with me so I don't continue on that same path. I had a therapist who told me that every time I took a step forward, I would take two steps backwards. Even though there is some truth in that statement, I've come to realize that after those two steps backwards are taken and that step forward is made again, you don't start at the very beginning. That new step forward is not the very first step forward that has ever been taken. In that new first step, lies all the insight gained from every other first step that has been taken in the past.

How did these changes come about? To be honest, I am not entirely sure. My guess is it had something to do with getting tired of doing the same old thing day after day. The same old thing wasn't working for me. I was miserable. Once I came to the realization that I did not want to stay stuck and miserable for the rest of eternity, I tried something else. I figured what do I have to lose? I already felt terrible- why not take a chance on entering the realm of the unfamiliar? If I didn't like what I found, I knew I could retreat back to my old, self-sabotaging ways. Once I took a step outside of myself, I was pleasantly surprised. I caught a glimpse of how it feels to be effective, and I took that feeling, and ran with it.

It's interesting to think that one of the most important days in my life, the day I truly and actively chose "being well" over "being sick" cannot be marked on the calendar. I cannot pinpoint when or even how exactly it happened. What I do know is that one morning I woke up and noticed I was not processing my thoughts the way I usually would and I was not feeling like my typical, miserable self. I was different. I am different. And that's a change I can learn to deal with.