Quote

"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend." -Elizabeth Gilbert

I suppose there are a couple of reasons it has taken me a few days to get started on blogging about a quote everyday. The main reason is that I have a really difficult time making decisions, and consequently, choosing a quote to fit my current experience of myself and my life, is hard when so many quotes seem to fit so "perfectly". I chose this Elizabeth Gilbert quote from her memoir EAT PRAY LOVE as my first quote because I thought it would be a beneficial tool in helping me to cheer-lead myself at this moment in time.

I am not willing to provide details of what this past week or so has been like for me, and at the same time, I am willing to share that what it comes down to is that I feel as if I am losing the trust I had in myself. I engaged in an ineffective behavior, which sparked the black-and-white thoughts that "I am never effective" and "I am incapable of using skills". Basically, these thoughts escalated into me being a "bad" person and instead of treating myself with the love and compassion I deserve, I started to beat myself up over it. I noticed how quickly I started sacrificing my self-respect by doing things like trying to prove to others what I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. I showed very little, if any, respect for myself by regarding someone else's thoughts and perceptions of me higher than my own thoughts and perceptions of myself. I know me best and I know what is best for me and so I am disappointed that I allowed someone else to dictate to me not only the meaning behind my emotions and behavior, but also, what my needs are. Instead of trusting that I understand myself and that I know what is best for me, I found myself starting to believe in others' inaccurate interpretations of me.

For a really big portion of my life, I was my own worst enemy. I couldn't stand to be alone with myself and I took desperate measures in attempts to escape myself (not possible, btw). However, a few months ago, that changed. I started taking care of myself- I was showering, exercising, developing healthy eating habits, and just finding ways to effectively meet my basic needs. I took pleasure in my own company- I could sit with my thoughts and feelings. I valued what I had to say, even when others disagreed. I could validate myself. I coached myself through urges.

This quote is particularly important to me on a day like to day because I can definitely use a reminder of how I felt about the person I am just 3 months ago. I treated myself as I would treat any of my friends because I saw myself as worthy- I saw myself as a friend. I wish I knew how I got myself to that point because if I knew how I got there once, I could probably get myself back there. I think sometimes the actions have to come before the feelings- maybe if I start treating myself as a friend, I will start feeling like a friend again.

When I have a friend who makes a mistake, I don't declare them "bad", so why is it necessary that I become "bad" when I make a mistake? It isn't. Helping myself over hurting myself has been so much more beneficial to me and I think I just need to remind myself of that over and over again. I was Jessica 3, 4, 5 months ago and I am still Jessica now. So if I saw Jessica, myself, as a friend 3 months ago, why can't I see her as a friend again now? As far as I know, I have been a human being my whole life, and therefore, I have never been perfect. That would mean I recognized myself as a friend while I was making mistakes, and so, I can be a friend to myself again by validating why I acted ineffectively and then problem-solving ways for me to act effectively in the next moment.

When I am lonely, I can tolerate being lonely because I still have myself. When someone hurts me, when someone lets me down, I can continue forward because I trust myself to know that I can manage my feelings effectively- with or without anyone else. While relationships with others can be beneficial, it is ultimately the relationship I share with myself that will be the most influential in the end simply because no matter what, I am stuck with myself. What it comes down to is that because I was able to see myself as a friend once, I can see myself as a friend again. And again. And again.