Preserving Self

Clearly, July was not my month for blogging. Ha.

One thing I am noticing is how aspects of life that were slightly upsetting me are now really starting to have a profound impact on me. Sometimes I feel as if I am fighting against the current, stumbling to maintain balance, yet never making a complete fall. It seems to me that each time I fight back against any sort of negativity, each time I counteract a negative thought or feeling, while I may be able to power through it, I feel as if a little part of me dies in that fight. I feel that a part of my insight, my hope, my strength, my progress, gets swept away each and every time I try to take a stance. It's not something that I notice every time a struggle comes my way. I think it is something that has come to my attention after a bit of reflecting that lead to the recognition that I am not the same confident, resilient person I was just two months ago.

This isn't to say that everything I have gained is lost. That is far from true (Thankfully). What I think is happening for me is that I am now intensely experiencing the pressures, the forcefulness of a world, something I was relieved from for 6 months. Those 6 months prepared me to be able to come home and face my life head on- something I am not sure I would have been able to do if I didn't have the opportunity to give certain aspects of my self and my life individual attention. I have the skills now. I am using the skills. I am doing well. I guess my dilema is that I am unsure on how to go about preserving my strength in times of turmoil. I don't exactly know how to prevent losing parts of myself to negativity.

There are two things that come to mind at the moment-

In the memoir Skin Game, Caroline Kettlewell says: "In that complex interplay of experience and physiology, I like to think that every time I gut through it and survive, I’m reshaping the structure and the chemistry of my thoughts, wearing new paths less tortured, and convoluted than the old ones. Every new crisis successfully negotiated and survived inches me that much further from the event horizon of despair. I have drawn the line, and I am still on this side of it."

While I may at times feel as if life is getting the best of me, I think using skills and being effective is what will inevitably prevent me from detiorating. By being skillful, I am maintaining my hope, my insight, my strength. And each time I act effectively, it is that much more guaranteed that I will maintain my progress. Each skillful behavior I put into play inches me toward the positive path I want to be following.

I read an article from Daily Om that discusses shielding ourselves from negative energy. The article instructs one to envision themselves being wrapped up in a cocoon of "loving and protective light". This cocoon is supposed to allow a person to regulate the energy around them, protecting oneself from energy they wish to avoid. The article also suggests creating a "trigger word" that can assist in creating a shield. If the trigger word is associated with the creation of the shield, just simply thinking the word will aid in keeping one safe from negative vibrations.

Recently, I learned that when something in my environment appears to be falling apart, I think I have to fall apart with it. Just because I may at times be uncertain of what is occurring around me, does not automatically mean I have to be uncertain of what is occurring inside of me. Inconsistency in my outer-world does not equal inconsistency in my inner-world. I can maintain a stable sense of self even when the instability of life invites itself through my front door.