Throughout my entire life, or at least as far as I can remember, I have never felt that I belonged. In certain conversations with friends there have been times in which I felt a connection, and therefore, felt as if I was meant to be there. Sometimes I do feel understood by others and that I relate, and at the same time, the majority of my life has consisted of me feeling like I am on the outside looking in. I often wonder why that is. I sometimes question if it is just my own insecurities separating myself from the world or if other people view me as the outsider I feel I am.
I think I am currently feeling these feelings more intensely because I am still in the process of adjusting to an everyday lifestyle I was sheltered from for the past 6 months. Now I've been home about 3 weeks and I'm trying to create a life for myself and it isn't exactly going smoothly. While I am applying for jobs, researching volunteer opportunities, and trying to find some new hobbies to take up, I am not having much luck thus far. It's difficult being at the beginning stages of developing a life, especially when being asked a million and one different questions about what I am doing with my life because I don't have a definite answer for that at the moment. I feel as if some people are placing negative judgments upon me for not having anything set in stone for myself. While everyone is entitled to their own views and opinions, it is hard for me to accept that when I feel I am being looked down upon. Then I start to wonder, are others looking down upon me or is it really just me looking down upon myself?
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. While I do feel some shame about not having a job and being behind in school and not being able to handle Geneseo and spending 6 months in a treatment center, I really thought I've come to terms with all of it. I know I am a hell of a lot more accepting of this than I have been in the past. I'm not fighting it anymore- it is what it is. I truly do believe that everyone has their own path in life and this is what happens to be mine, and consequently, I am truly trying to make the best of it. I can't change the choices I have made in the past or the consequences of those choices. However, I can change things for the future- for my future. History does not have to repeat itself, nor do I want it to.
I think it comes back to the whole judgment thing- judgments other people place on me and the judgments I place on other people's judgments, as well as the judgments I place on myself. If someone comments or questions something about me and/or my lifestyle, I immediately jump to interpret what was meant by what was said and what their tone of voice was conveying. Not only is it none of my business what someone else thinks of me, and also, who am I to decide what someone else means by what they are saying? I'm not them and therefore I cannot be certain. So why torture myself with negativity that isn't even a fact. And even if someone does view me in a negative light, who decides they are "right"?
Like I mentioned in a previous post, everyone has a different perception- some people will agree and others will not- and I don't think anyone has the power to declare that their perception is "more right" than another's. What I really think it comes down to is, what is going to be beneficial for a person? Is constantly putting myself down for being behind in school helping me? Well, no. It's not. Believe me, I've tried it and it made matters worse for me, so, why not try something different? Helping myself over hurting myself has appeared to be much more effective for me than anything else I've ever tried before, and so I plan to continue down that route.
As for the whole feeling like I don't belong thing, I'm trying to put a positive spin on it. Is belonging always a positive thing? I mean, yeah, I think it is a positive feeling to know that one has a place in this world. At the same time, I don't think the feeling of belonging is positive if a person is sacrificing their own morals and values in order to feel that way. That being said, I've decided to take a look at what it is that is making me feel as if I do not belong. And quite frankly, out of all the reasons I feel this way, I can only see how one of these things can have a negative connotation to it. And that is only partially- it is something I used to view as very negative; however, now that I am more willing to accept myself, my past, and my life in general, I don't really label it as anything other than, it is what it is.
The main reason I feel as if I don't belong is based on the way I process my thoughts. I am noticing more and more how differently I think from those I am currently surrounded by. Different does not have to equal "bad" and I am stopping myself in this moment, right now, from judging myself for viewing things in a different light than those around me. Besides, everyone disagrees at one point or another-- so why does me having a different perception of life than another have to mean that I do not belong in this world? It doesn't. It doesn't mean I don't belong unless I start defining it that way and I choose not to do that.
I have more of a sense of self than I can ever remembering having in my 22 years of life. This feeling, the feeling of having an idea of who I am and what I want, the feeling of being comfortable with myself, the feeling of respecting myself, the feeling that I matter, is so much more important to me than the feeling of belonging. Consequently, if I have to sacrifice a sense of unity to maintain the new-found relationship I have developed with myself, I am willing to do just that.
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