"There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done, you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way." -Marya Hornbacher
Ahh, Marya Hornbacher. As much as her writing has inflicted chaos upon my mind, her writing has also produced a sense of clarity to aspects of myself I never expected to understand.
I always had the idea in my head that there had to be some sort of significant turning point in my life that would automatically change me. I never really understood that the choice to be "sick" or "well" was always all my own. I mean, I guess to a certain extent, I always knew that it was up to me. At the same time, I never fully grasped the concept that I could choose to be well regardless of the circumstances surrounding me. In a way, I guess I didn't think I could be "well" until there was some exterior event that gave me permission.
Overall, I have been doing well since I came home, and was even doing well prior to discharge. Looking back, there was never a revelation of any kind. And that baffles me in some ways because I have spent many years waiting for the moment where everything in my head clicks. It boggles my mind to think that I have been doing well for a decent period of time, and yet, there was no epiphany to dictate my current positive state of mind. While there was never any crucial defining moments, there were an awful lot of tiny, gradual realizations. Like Marya said, it really does come in bits and pieces. And eventually, I was able to take those bits and pieces and start putting the puzzle together. For me, I didn't even realize what was occurring until I actually saw myself putting my skills and my insight into action.
Despite all the progress I have made, I still have a lot of room for improvement. In the past, I could see myself being discouraged by this. I probably would have developed some kind of mentality that consisted of me thinking "well, I did all this work, and I'm still screwed up, so what's the point?" I particularly like the end of the quote where Marya talks about being "a rag doll, invented, imperfect" and then goes on further to say that "you are all that you have, so you must be enough". Her words show that while certain struggles have been conquered, there is always going to be distress. It leaves room for more progress to be made. It allows a person to move forward in their life, and at the same time, gather those bits and pieces as they emerge, and continue piecing the puzzle together.
There is a lot about myself and my life that still remains a mystery. I don't have explanations for many of my behaviors, thoughts, or fears and feelings. However, that does not mean that I can't embrace the insight I do have and develop a healthy lifestyle out of that. There is no quick fix- I think it is something more like "progress, not perfection". I think the key is to accept myself for who I am and where I stand in the present moment, and then, continue forward.
I always had the idea in my head that there had to be some sort of significant turning point in my life that would automatically change me. I never really understood that the choice to be "sick" or "well" was always all my own. I mean, I guess to a certain extent, I always knew that it was up to me. At the same time, I never fully grasped the concept that I could choose to be well regardless of the circumstances surrounding me. In a way, I guess I didn't think I could be "well" until there was some exterior event that gave me permission.
Overall, I have been doing well since I came home, and was even doing well prior to discharge. Looking back, there was never a revelation of any kind. And that baffles me in some ways because I have spent many years waiting for the moment where everything in my head clicks. It boggles my mind to think that I have been doing well for a decent period of time, and yet, there was no epiphany to dictate my current positive state of mind. While there was never any crucial defining moments, there were an awful lot of tiny, gradual realizations. Like Marya said, it really does come in bits and pieces. And eventually, I was able to take those bits and pieces and start putting the puzzle together. For me, I didn't even realize what was occurring until I actually saw myself putting my skills and my insight into action.
Despite all the progress I have made, I still have a lot of room for improvement. In the past, I could see myself being discouraged by this. I probably would have developed some kind of mentality that consisted of me thinking "well, I did all this work, and I'm still screwed up, so what's the point?" I particularly like the end of the quote where Marya talks about being "a rag doll, invented, imperfect" and then goes on further to say that "you are all that you have, so you must be enough". Her words show that while certain struggles have been conquered, there is always going to be distress. It leaves room for more progress to be made. It allows a person to move forward in their life, and at the same time, gather those bits and pieces as they emerge, and continue piecing the puzzle together.
There is a lot about myself and my life that still remains a mystery. I don't have explanations for many of my behaviors, thoughts, or fears and feelings. However, that does not mean that I can't embrace the insight I do have and develop a healthy lifestyle out of that. There is no quick fix- I think it is something more like "progress, not perfection". I think the key is to accept myself for who I am and where I stand in the present moment, and then, continue forward.
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